Healing with Humor  IV



Underwear Is Important!  Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest  Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the  parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping  while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a  small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from  under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into  place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

<>Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. I抦 a doctor. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

<> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
<> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
<> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO: Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
<> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
<> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round!' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about  food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Pepsi in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"



One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant, and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.  I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."  But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.   <>  
    Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Still no takers.   From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. They had fled Europe after WW2, and established their own town.  To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these old Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant .... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!   <>
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norsemen had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.   The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norse firefighters.   <>The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film and asked, "What are you going to do with all that money?" 
    "Vell," said Olee Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da furst ting vee doo is fix da brakes on dat truck!"

 

The 50th Anniversary    With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some  insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.” The minister inquired, “Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China,” replied Ralph. "The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph.   Please tell the group what you're going to do for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Brother Ralph replied, "I'm going to go get her."

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.  The half that
was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.  The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and
commentaries, didn't know what to do.  His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the original founders of their temple. 

The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition
to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat said, "Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!"  The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all the time, yelling
at each other about whether they should sit or stand."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"
The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

 POLISH DIVORCE
 A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
 Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
 until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
 The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
 Have you any grounds?
 Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
 No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
 It made of concrete.
 I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
 No, we have a carport, and not need one.
 I mean, what are your relations like?
 All my relations still in Poland .
 Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
 We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
 Does your wife beat you up?
 No, I always up before her.
 Is your wife a nagger?
 No, she white.
 Why do you want this divorce?
 She is going to kill me.
 What makes you think that?
 I got proof.
 What kind of proof?
 She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:
"Polish Remover"

          Joe died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for  an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the  affair, his widow, Helen, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well,
 I'm sure Joe would be pleased.      

 "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and  leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"  

 

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
 
   "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice,
 but $30,000?"
 
   Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated     $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The  rest went for the Memorial Stone."  

 

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial
 Stone? My goodness, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats."



A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -
he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

    This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

    "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

    "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back  and  says to  the owner, "That dog is amazing.  Why are you selling him.?
    The owner replies, "He never did any of those things, that dog is a liar."


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.  Four worms were placed into four separate jars.  The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.  The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.  The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.  The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
 
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
 
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
 
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
 
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON.. THE TODDLER WAS CRYING AND AT TIMES SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.
 
AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM  SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE...
 
"WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT...
TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT..
LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT..."
 
AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE TODDLER'S   TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN,
 
"TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT...
WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT..."
 
AS HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM SAID,   "SIR, I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE BEING TO YOUR LITTLE ALBERT."
 
THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE SAY, "MISS,
MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN.
 
I'M ALBERT."


                                                                                              The B.C.
    A newly married couple was looking for a house in the country.  After finding one they thought was suitable they made their way home, and upon reaching there the wife happened to think that they hadn’t noticed a bathroom commode and they decided to write the owner about it.  Being very modest and shy, she hesitated to spell the words b-a-t-h-r-o-o-m— c-o-m-m-o-d-e out so in her letter she referred to it as B.C.   The owner not understanding what she meant, pondered  for a while and decided she meant Baptist Church and he answered as follows:

Dear Madam:
    I regret very much the delay in answering your letter and now take pleasure in informing you that the B.C. is located about nine miles from the house and is capable of seating 250 persons.  This is very unfortunate indeed, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be interested in knowing a great number of people take their lunch with them and make a day of it, while others go by auto, usually arriving just in time, but generally in too big a hurry to wait if the house is crowded.
    The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and had to stand up all the time.  It may interest you to know that plans are being made to have a supper to raise funds for added seating in the B.C. as this is a long felt need.
    I might mention that it pains me very much not to be able to go more frequently.  It surely is through no lack or desire but as we get older it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.
    May I hope to see there as I would like to see more of you.
           
            Very truly yours,

                Landlord.

                                                                                          The Ordination
    Down in Arkansas there was a young man who wanted to be ordained to the ministry. The council was convened and they began to ask him questions.
    “Can you read?”   No, sir, I can’t read.
    Can you write?    No, but my wife is a powerful writer.
    Do you know the Bible.  Oh, yes, I know the Bible from cover to cover.
    Which book of the Bible do you like best?   I like the book of the New Testament the best.
    But which book in the New Testament do you like the best?   I like the book of the parables the best.   Well, which of the parables do you like the best?   I like the parable of the good Samaritan the best.    Ok, there are just ministers here, suppose you give us an interpretation of the parable of the Good Samaritan.

    So, he began, “there was a man who went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves.  And the thorns grew up and choked him.  He was without money and he was without price.  But the Queen of Sheba came along and gave him a hundred changes of raiment and a thousand talents of silver.  He got into her chariot and rode furiously and as he rode he went under a large tree.  And his hair caught into the limbs of that tree and he was suspended between the ground and the earth. And the ravens came and fed him, and brought him water to drink.  And in that night his wife Deliah came along and cut off his hair, and he fell in stony places. But he went into a nearby cave and hid all night.  The next morning he came out of that cave and as he was walking along he met a man who said, “let us kill the fatted calf and have a great feast.”  But he said, “I’m sorry, I married a wife and I cannot come.”  And then he said, the man told him to go out into the highways and hedges and compel them to come in. And he started out into the highways and hedges and looked up and saw Jezebel looking out of a window, high and lifted up.
And he said to them, “Throw her down, and they threw her down.  And he said, “throw her down seven times” and they threw her down seven times. And he said throw her down seventy times seven, and they threw her down seventy times seven.  And then after it was all over, they picked twelve baskets of remains.  Now I ask you in the judgement, whose wife shall she be?”
I rear ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out
of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo- stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"

So, I look down at him and ask, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . and that's how the fight started.
 
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to  work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he
was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real  credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person
Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to
tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd  though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed
Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"



<>An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
  <>Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
 
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

 
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

 
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning". Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

    
At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. 
 
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.. 1,2,4. 
 
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3